College series #2- Hospitals and wheelchairs

Right now I'm sitting on the couch watching tv with my dog curled up next to me. Living the good life, right?


 But the truth is, I can barely walk, and when I do I need someone to help keep me stable. Im also on a lot of pain meds so if this blog is weird, thats why. ( my mom said I would write better with the drugs….thank you..?)


Since I moved into my dorm 2 weeks ago I've been doing a little more walking than my body's used to. Even though my campus is very small, and my classes are in the building right next to my dorm, my bodies not the best at walking. Plus I subluxed my hip on move in day(NICE!). So for the past couple days my hips and knees have been hurting more and more, which I expected was due to the foolish amount of walking I was doing. Nothing new. But last night I came home to go to church with my family. A normal wednesday night. As I sat through the wonderful preaching of Pastor Rodney, the pain began to be unbearable. If you know me, I hide pain very well, and very often.
But this time I couldn't. When service was over I went to stand up and I ended up falling right back down and crying. A wonderful group of people from Calvary Chapel came to help me and prayed for me. Thank you. After a while of sitting there, they ended up getting a wheelchair to bring me to the car. Thats when I lost it. Ive never liked attention on me. Ok thats kinda a lie, I like when people pay attention to me, but not like this. I want to be in control of my body, but I couldn't hold myself up. Ive never been embarrassed easily, but this was humiliating. I know everyone there was truly genuine and caring but it still bothered me. This hurt my soul. We headed to the hospital and ended up waiting for a long time and getting into a room  around 10:30pm. The whole time my loving boyfriend stayed by my side and helped me stand when I needed to. Always smiling and never complaining. I appreciate him..

After getting a room, we waited and waited and waited. Like you always do in a hospital. Since my dad was on his way back from boston, he wasn't there to carry me and be the patient, kind, loving, humorous person I need in times like this. Thank you Ben for playing that role so well last night. You remind me of my father. 

In the end, after an X-ray, they found nothing. My dad came around 11:30 and sent my mom home. Thank you God for a selfless mother who cares for me even when she is hurting too. 

They ended up sending me home at 1 am with pain meds, and I left with the support of Ben and my father. Im so thankful. 

This morning I went to an orthopedic surgeon and he said I most likely had bilateral labral tears in both my hips. The labrum is the cartilage inside your hip joint. And all this from walking. Im so fragile.

 So now I rest. I take steroids and other medications. 

But what about college? 

I don't know.

My doctor wants me to use a wheelchair. My worst nightmare coming true. Its not permanent but it triggers something inside me that makes me feel weak. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair forever. I want that freedom and control. Not only do I need to use a wheelchair, but since the joints in my arms are loose as well, I'm not allowed to do it myself. I need someone to push me. There goes my freedom. 

Ive never let the opinions of others affect me, but this one scares me. Since the people at my college haven't all reacted well to my disability when I could walk, how will they react now? I don't know..

I guess its finally sinking in just how fragile I really am. Maybe I've been in denial, wouldn't you be? Your whole life changed by a sudden illness, knocking you down and beating you up. I didn't want to be limited. I don't want to be limited now. I used to play volleyball, I used to ride horses, I used to be on a swim team. Now my body wont let me do any of that. Ive been learning to adapt to those changes, finding joy in other less strenuous activities. I find joy in watching other people doing what they love. But it still affects me, sometimes i can't help but be upset that my body wants to stop me. Last night it took it a little too far.

I guess this is my normal now.