My secret.

I have something I need to tell everyone. 

Ive kept this secret for too many years and it has been bottling up inside, ruining me from the inside out. 

Ive kept this secret from my closest friends, even family.

I used to cut myself. 

I feel embarrassed even typing that.

Embarrassed because people see it as weakness, they see it as a teenager trying to get attention. 

I feel stupid and weak and embarrassed by the fact that it was a part of my life. 

But here’s why I have to tell you.

God told me too.

I have spilled my whole life out to this blog, and to everyone, to try and relate to people and help them. But I feel like a liar by not telling people one of the biggest parts of my teenage years. Probably one of the most relatable things.

From the ages of 13-17 I was really depressed, most people knew that, and I still struggle sometimes with it now. 

At the age of 13 I got sick, my body betrayed me, my friends betrayed me. I was alone and my own body didn't like me. 

I was struggling with family issues and with being sick, it was all way too much for me to handle. I hurt myself because it was the only way I knew how to get my anger out and how I felt my body needed to be punished for hurting me.

You see, at this time my family was struggling with finding a good church home, and I didn't have a very good leader to show me Gods love. I had my family and they were doing their best, and in no way was this ever their fault. 

But I didn't know how much God truly loved me.

I told my parents right after my 16th birthday, 2 years after it started. 

But I never told my siblings or close friends, until writing this when I am 19 years old. 

I feel like they might have noticed, I mean bathing suits only cover so much. 

But I never TOLD them. 

I’ve had this overwhelming fear of them finding out over the years, especially now. 

You see, I did it all to my right hip. The hip I am having surgery on in December. Ever since finding out I need surgery on that hip I have been worried and anxious about people seeing my secret. Seeing the part of me I never wanted anyone to see. 

God told me I had to finally let go of this secret, and I have fought him tooth and nail. I mean why can't I just hide it forever!!! No one has to know!!!

But God has promised and proven to use everything for his glory, and I need to trust him.

He has taken my life and used it to show himself to so many people, and I am in awe. 

Writing this might help someone, but mostly it will help myself. It will release this burden of trying to hide from the people who love me most.

Maybe God told me to post this because He knows I need it, or maybe I have to post it because someone else needs it.

(Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms)

I just want people to know that its ok to not be ok all the time. I may look like I am strong and fighting through the pain, but I haven’t always, and I still am not always.

But that’s ok. God loves us and all he wants is to show that to us.

He holds my heart now, and he holds my pain.

He doesn’t want anyone to hurt.

 He doesnt want me to hurt, and he doesnt want you to hurt. 

Its amazing how much a secret can effect your life.

For the past couple years I've hidden in fear and shame, trying to hide a secret. 

I don't want people viewing me different, or treating me different. 
I just need to let go of this hidden part of me.

Please don't be afraid to let people know you're hurting.

The people who love you want to help you, they want you to be ok. 

And to the everyone, pay attention to those who might be hurting, they need you.

I can only imagine how different it would have been if they knew years ago, and how different I would have felt over the years.

I can't go back, but I am glad I made this decision now. 

My body is scarred and may never look the same, but God has overtaken my heart and made it whole again.

I am blooming and I am healing, physically and mentally.

P.S. 

Thank you to those who did know, and who loved me through it.