My secret.

I have something I need to tell everyone. 

Ive kept this secret for too many years and it has been bottling up inside, ruining me from the inside out. 

Ive kept this secret from my closest friends, even family.

I used to cut myself. 

I feel embarrassed even typing that.

Embarrassed because people see it as weakness, they see it as a teenager trying to get attention. 

I feel stupid and weak and embarrassed by the fact that it was a part of my life. 

But here’s why I have to tell you.

God told me too.

I have spilled my whole life out to this blog, and to everyone, to try and relate to people and help them. But I feel like a liar by not telling people one of the biggest parts of my teenage years. Probably one of the most relatable things.

From the ages of 13-17 I was really depressed, most people knew that, and I still struggle sometimes with it now. 

At the age of 13 I got sick, my body betrayed me, my friends betrayed me. I was alone and my own body didn't like me. 

I was struggling with family issues and with being sick, it was all way too much for me to handle. I hurt myself because it was the only way I knew how to get my anger out and how I felt my body needed to be punished for hurting me.

You see, at this time my family was struggling with finding a good church home, and I didn't have a very good leader to show me Gods love. I had my family and they were doing their best, and in no way was this ever their fault. 

But I didn't know how much God truly loved me.

I told my parents right after my 16th birthday, 2 years after it started. 

But I never told my siblings or close friends, until writing this when I am 19 years old. 

I feel like they might have noticed, I mean bathing suits only cover so much. 

But I never TOLD them. 

I’ve had this overwhelming fear of them finding out over the years, especially now. 

You see, I did it all to my right hip. The hip I am having surgery on in December. Ever since finding out I need surgery on that hip I have been worried and anxious about people seeing my secret. Seeing the part of me I never wanted anyone to see. 

God told me I had to finally let go of this secret, and I have fought him tooth and nail. I mean why can't I just hide it forever!!! No one has to know!!!

But God has promised and proven to use everything for his glory, and I need to trust him.

He has taken my life and used it to show himself to so many people, and I am in awe. 

Writing this might help someone, but mostly it will help myself. It will release this burden of trying to hide from the people who love me most.

Maybe God told me to post this because He knows I need it, or maybe I have to post it because someone else needs it.

(Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms)

I just want people to know that its ok to not be ok all the time. I may look like I am strong and fighting through the pain, but I haven’t always, and I still am not always.

But that’s ok. God loves us and all he wants is to show that to us.

He holds my heart now, and he holds my pain.

He doesn’t want anyone to hurt.

 He doesnt want me to hurt, and he doesnt want you to hurt. 

Its amazing how much a secret can effect your life.

For the past couple years I've hidden in fear and shame, trying to hide a secret. 

I don't want people viewing me different, or treating me different. 
I just need to let go of this hidden part of me.

Please don't be afraid to let people know you're hurting.

The people who love you want to help you, they want you to be ok. 

And to the everyone, pay attention to those who might be hurting, they need you.

I can only imagine how different it would have been if they knew years ago, and how different I would have felt over the years.

I can't go back, but I am glad I made this decision now. 

My body is scarred and may never look the same, but God has overtaken my heart and made it whole again.

I am blooming and I am healing, physically and mentally.

P.S. 

Thank you to those who did know, and who loved me through it. 

IM IN OVER MY HEAD

So the last time I wrote a blog post, it was telling you about how I left WPU. The blog before that was telling how I found out I needed hip surgery. WELP. A lot has happened since then. I got the hip surgery about 12 weeks ago, but I posted about it on my Facebook Page (Im Too Turnt). So heres where I am at now: Throughout my recovery, I was healing, moving around, and doing my physical therapy a lot faster than anyone expected. But we kind of just brushed it off, and so did the doctors, cause hey! I'm young! I heal fast! The first time I noticed that God was working in my recovery is when my grandma passed away, and I flew to ohio at only about 5 weeks after surgery to attend her memorial service. It was hard on my whole family, but throughout the flights and all the crutching around I had to do, my hip barely hurt. After hardly getting sleep at home due to being uncomfortable in my bed, I slept completely fine in the hotel bed. God knew that I needed to be there for my family, and that was his first sign, and proof, that he could heal my hip whenever he wanted to. At 8 weeks I was allowed to walk without crutches, and 2 days later we went to my sisters college graduation at Liberty University. TWO DAYS after I started putting full weight onto my new hip, I walked all around the huge campus for hours for two days straight, and never once had a problem. Everytime I have visited liberty I've had a kind of sadness in me, feeling like theres no way I could go to a school so big. Especially one on mountains!! After leaving WPU and having my surgery, I had been trying to figure out what to do in the fall. I could continue doing online classes, maybe go to wake tech? but nothing felt right. When I got home from the graduation weekend, it kind of all hit me at once. I have to go to liberty. It sounds bad to say I "have to go" cause I've always wanted to go, but thats what I felt. I was in my room late at night, asking God, "What am I supposed to do??!! I can't walk!!!" I can't walk so how the heck am I going to go to Liberty! It makes no sense!! Then God slapped me in the face and said "You can walk when I want you to walk. Don't doubt me." It was like my entire recovery was God proving to me that he can heal me to do his plan. He knows that this is what I need right now. Then the song, "my revival" by Lauren daigle started playing on my phone. Immediately I knew the words of that song was God promising the words to me: I will run and not grow weary I will walk, I will not faint I will soar on wings like eagles Find my rest in Your everlasting name You are my revival Jesus on You I wait I'll lean on Your promise You will renew my strength The simple words from that song brought such hope to my soul.
I met Lauren daigle a couple weeks before my surgery at winter jam, she stopped me in the line of people getting her signature to tell me that I was beautiful and had a strong and kind soul, and that God has big plans for my life. With her being one of my favorite christian singers, and her lyrics meaning so much to me, this was so clearly a sign from God too. 

The next day I applied to Liberty, within a week I was accepted and began the process to be able to attend this fall. Everything fell so perfectly into place, it was God. I have aways had horrible anxiety problems, and I hate the unknown. Not having a plan TERRIFIES me. Throughout this process, I have no plan, yet I have no fear.
I FEEL CONTENT.
No other plan felt right, I felt God so strongly tell me to go to liberty, that I felt wrong doing anything else. While God told me to trust him, I also had a strong feeling that my fear will try to stop me. Going into this knowing that Im going to struggle, is helping me to overcome the struggles. Expecting the fear, helps me to push through it. I listened to "in over my head" by Bethel and cried. "In Over My Head" I have come to this place in my life I'm full but I've not satisfied This longing to have more of You And I can feel it my heart is convinced I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched You already know this but still Come and do whatever You want to I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in Let love come teach me who You are again Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You And all I wanted was just to be with You Come and do whatever You want to And further and further my heart moves away from the shore Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours And further and further my heart moves away from the shore Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free I'm going under, I'm in over my head Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be I'm going under, I'm in over my head Whether I sink, whether I swim It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head Whether I sink, whether I swim It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head I'm Beautifully in over my head It feels so nice to know so deeply that this is what you're supposed to be doing. I went into this knowing that my anxiety is going to be through the roof, and I'm going to have a hard time, but I also went into it knowing that God knows that. So I guess this is my way of telling you guys that I'm going to liberty this fall!!! I am so terrified, but Im so prepared to be terrified.

I QUIT SCHOOL?

So I guess I should tell you guys….

I couldn't get here, I couldn't get there, I couldn't get anywherE!! (my version of Dr. Suess)

But for real...

In October I realized that school was too much for me with everything going on. Also, I found it very difficult, almost impossible, to maneuver my wheelchair around the William Peace campus. When I wanted to go to classes, I either had to have someone come push me, or I had to walk; when I walked it hurt my hip more. They also had student activities in rooms only accessible by stairs. Even my "medical single" dorm room (that I was told I didn't need at the beginning of the semester) was not fully handicap accessible. So at the end of October, I made the decision to withdraw from my classes and work toward making the campus accessible for other students. 


I learned that Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act is a civil rights statute that requires that the needs of students with disabilities be equally met. Also, through the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) and Section 504, discriminating against disabled individuals is illegal. Everything that is offered to non-disabled people must be offered to the disabled, and any school that receives Federal Funding must follow these rules.

Scheduling events on the second floor of an inaccessible building, not providing adequate handicap dorm rooms, not having an accessible campus, not giving reasonable disability accommodations AND PUTTING THE DISABILITY OFFICE ON THE SECOND FLOOR WITH NO ELEVATOR is not just rude, but illegal. 

I originally went to the school and requested a refund of my tuition so I could go to an accessible school. After I sent an appeal to the school board, I was informed that in order to get my money back, I would need to sign an agreement giving up my right to file a complaint with the Department of Justice, and agree to keep confidential the entire contract, including the fact that the school was not accessible. 

Let me think about it, I have to leave my dream school because it isn't accessible, and I cant tell people why I left?  No thanks.

I decided that I really wanted to work things out with the school because I truly liked the school and wished I could stay. So we started working with the school to negotiate a deal that included improvements in infrastructure and handicap awareness in exchange for our silence. We were willing to keep certain parts of the agreement a secret, if they were willing to agree to make these important changes to the school. I felt like I was compromising a lot, given the fact that I did nothing wrong in the first place. We worked hard to help them realize all the changes they needed to make, without involving the government. But to me, it just seemed like the school was trying to push me aside and "get rid of the problem (me)." I won't allow that. 

I was hoping to post this blog saying we worked everything out and the school is doing great and working hard to make the whole campus accessible. But sadly, that is not the case. After a long 4 months, we were unable to come to a conclusion that both my family and the school was happy with. 

In fairness, throughout negotiations, WPU said they made minor changes to the campus upon my request. These included changing the height of paper towel dispensers and moving mail to an accessible building. But these things were only minute compared to all the changes the university still needs to make.

We eventually told the school that if we didn't come to an agreement soon, we would pursue a law suit and contact the Department of Justice to file an ADA complaint. 
In response, the school decided to send us a full refund of our money and propose an agreement that still allowed us to have them commit to making the changes we wanted. However, after going over it with a lawyer, we realized that we would be restricted in more ways than we thought. I'm not ok with that, so I refused to sign it. 

So now we are left wondering: what do we do next? We got our money back, but the school is not accessible. I still need to make a difference. 

When I first had the thought of leaving William Peace, it was heartbreaking. I had worked so hard for years to get into my top school, earned a scholarship, and planned for months on how I was going to make it work with my health issues. As many of you know, my entire graduation party was WPU themed. I was so excited.   

I felt as though my freshman experience was taken from me, my body was failing me, and while people seemed to care about me, I still couldn't do what I dreamed of doing.
I was failing… Quitting school is failing right?

Not in this case.

I am not a failure.


I do not believe my short time at William Peace was for nothing. I met many amazing teachers and learned what I truly want to major in. Even though my academic goals were not fully realized, I figured out my reason for going to this school. I'm going to make a difference. 

I'm going to help people.

I don't believe God ever wanted me to stay at WPU, he wanted me to go through this difficult time because he knew I could handle it. I could be the one who stood my ground to make a change for those who couldn't. 

If I hadn't had these experiences at Peace, who would be helping to make these changes for future students?

Even though I didn't get what I wanted or expected from my first semester of college, God did.


My time was not wasted, because I was afforded the opportunity to make positive change. 

I'm upset that we weren't able to come to an agreement after all this time, but I know that I can still make a difference.


I know that God is able to use my struggles and my courage to make changes that wouldn't normally be made.

During all the negotiating, I was stuck trying to figure out what to do next. I was not in school… I lost a good scholarship… What do I do?
So I applied to Liberty.

...and I was accepted!!

I started my classes online in January where I hope to major in Criminal Justice with a Criminal Psychology Cognate.

Although I will have to take a break for my surgery, I hope to take more classes in the summer. 

Thank you to everyone who supported me, and I'm sorry for not telling everyone until now. Things needed to be worked out before I announced it to everyone. Sadly, they were not worked out like I had anticipated. I'm not sure what's in my next fortune cookie, or how I'm going to help make WPU accessible whether through the DOJ, or elsewhere. But I have known from the beginning that I will not settle. I will not agree to anything less than what is just for the handicapped people at school. 

As I work through this, I am so thankful for the love and support I have received from those close to me. Thank you.

God Is good and he knows His plan for me. I am so thankful that I am chosen to be used by Him.

Psalm 91

1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
    though ten thousand are dying around you,
    these evils will not touch you.
8 Just open your eyes,
    and see how the wicked are punished.

9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
    if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
    no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
    to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”